Do you ever end your day exhausted from talking to people, yet you didn’t actually accomplish anything? Have you ever felt like you can’t complete your own work because you’re too busy doing everyone else’s? Are you tired of promising yourself you’re done taking crap from people and not keeping your word? These are all signs it may be time to update your boundaries and take back some control in your life.
Where Boundaries go Bad
Boundaries are personal rules and triggers that alert you when a situation is going off track. The trick is that boundaries can be based on anything that’s important to you (values, goals, etc.) but if you’re not consciously structuring them, the default design is typically based on pain. Your mind remembers a past situation it would prefer to avoid repeating and sets up a mental rule that says, “Let’s try not to go through that again!”
If you totally crashed and burned the last time you spoke in front of a crowd, you might find yourself turning down public speaking opportunities in the future as “something you just don’t do.” Not very helpful if your career goals involve leadership. Pain based boundaries might make sense for life and death situations, but not so much for filling your life with opportunities and success.
Unfortunately, pain based boundaries are often created on auto-pilot, so if you’ve been through some ugliness in your life you might have a few that you didn’t create by choice.
Life Nugget: When your boundaries are based on the pain of the past, your life is guided by fear.
If you’re having an “Oh Shit” moment after that last statement… GREAT, you’re right where you’re supposed to be! Welcome to the first step in making a positive change and taking back control of your life.
Turning Off Autopilot
Boundaries are like the lines in a coloring book. You get to decide if it’s pink or purple, but the lines decide if it’s a lion or a lamb. What type of images appear in the coloring book of your future? Are you pouring in bold, vibrant color every day, but failing to realize the image isn’t what you had in mind?
To update your boundaries, you need an image of the future that’s entirely your own. What do you want? What values should your boundaries align with? The details are what transforms a wedding toast cliché “health, wealth and happiness” future to an “I freaking love my life so much it makes people uncomfortable” future.
Time to Upgrade!
Now that your autopilot is turned off and you know what you want your future to look like, it’s time to align your boundaries to that future. What are some situations that are not working for you right now? What might be a new boundary that would serve you better?
For example, it’s 4:50 PM when Gavin the gossip decides to launch into 79 minutes of non-stop soul-sucking stories at your desk when you’re obviously packing up to leave and beat the traffic.
- Social norms and excessive manners (fear of offending someone) lead to boundaries like: It’s not polite to interrupt. That politeness earns you 3 horrific hours of stories and traffic that could’ve been avoided.
- Your upgraded boundary might be: Work during work time, chat during free time, go home at quitting time. I am happy and in control when I don’t allow these times to overlap. (Bye Gavin)
Another sadly common situation is repeatedly getting passed over for promotion despite basically giving your boss gold on a daily basis.
- A common fear-based boundary is: Avoid uncomfortable conversations, conflict and change. This leads to never knowing why you aren’t advancing while pouring your time and energy into a black hole of frustration and burn out (imagine that in a coloring book).
- Your upgraded boundary might be: When I feel overlooked or underappreciated, I’ll ask as many leaders as I can corner for 3 recommendations on how I could develop myself professionally. Just the fact that you asked will impress them, but it’ll also give you insights into what’s really holding you back.
All boundaries trigger a response, but did you notice that the fear-based boundaries tend to trigger avoidance? It’s a great gut-check to determine what your life is being guided by. The ideal upgrade is going to trigger action, not avoidance. A boundary that triggers you to retreat and hide only helps you if you’re being chased by an ax-murderer or a hungry puma.
Boundaries for Your Best Life
When your boundaries are aligned with your values, goals, and vision of the future, they set you up for success. It’s great to be proactive, but one of the best times to update your boundaries is when one fails you. If you’re in a situation you aren’t loving or doesn’t move you toward living your best life, it’s time for an upgrade. Decide what will work better and put it on a post-it note, make an index card, read them in the morning with your coffee… anything that will remind you of your new boundary when you need it the most.
Need some help updating your boundaries? This is a great exercise to work through with a professional coach. Have a story about how your boundaries got you through a tough spot? We’d love to hear about it in the comments below.
Fantastic article around setting boundaries at work that can also be applied to setting boundaries in personal life. Great job, and thank you!